Stupid Cupid/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW If you're a married man you know there are certain times when your wife wants you to fall asleep and certain times when she doesn't. In the bedroom, for example, falling asleep is almost always encouraged. But in the living room, you know, when you're watching oprah together, or your wife's in the middle of discussing your much-needed behavior modification, falling asleep is not so good. So what I've done is customized my favourite chair, so it's gonna help keep me awake whenever I'm being criticized or a relative drops over. See, this here's a car battery. I've got that wired into what was left of my windshield wiper after the carwash got done with it. Okay, so now I just hook up the battery, and I've got the whole system wired through this clothes peg, kind of a deadman switch. So as long as I'm awake, I'm squeezing the peg -- so to speak -- and the whole unit is shut off. But as soon as I fall asleep and start relaxing, the windshield wiper comes on, and starts poking me in the back and wakes me up. Okay, let's have a little demonstration here. I'll just sit here until I fall asleep. Let's see. What could make me drowsy? Oh, I know. Get the cameraman there to talk about having his colours done. [ snoring ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Oh, I appreciate that. Well, big, big week at the lodge this week. Yeah, we actually support a local charity that's looking for a cure for male pattern baldness. Last night they had their annual charity dance. It's called the hair ball. I tell you, people really cough up the cash. Uncle red. Okay, did you notice last night at the party I was the only person without a date? No, mike didn't have a date. That woman was his parole officer. Even still, you know, everyone around here either has a girlfriend or a wife or something. Except me. What's wrong with me? It's only a half-hour show, harold. Well, have you asked any of the girls out around here? There's plenty of them in the area. Yes! I asked everyone. But you know what's weird? On Friday nights every girl in this area either washes her hair or does her laundry. I'm very concerned what all that soap run-off is going to do to the ecosystem. Well, maybe you should go to where you can meet girls, like go to the laundromat or the shampoo store. Yeah, I've even got a better idea than that. Is that our local yellow pages? Yeah, both of 'em. Look at this... Video dating service. Yeah, you make a video tape of yourself, talking about yourself, and then you send it to this company, right, videomate. And that way, your prospective date, she gets to hear and see me before she meets me. Okay, but you're saying that like it's a good thing. [ laughter ] don't be so negative. Your generation didn't have video dating, and look at all the horrible mistakes they made. That's ridiculous. Who told you that? Aunt bernice. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] uh, tonight's winner will receive this coupon for two hours alone with a finicky lawn mower and a 10-pound sledge hammer. No questions asked. Okay, cover your ears. And now mr. Green you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Okay, dalton, your clothes, your shoes, the car you drive are all part of your personal... Commitment to recycling. No, no, no. I'm talking about -- well, like your hair. It looks that way because of your special... Uh, uh, vacuum cleaner attachment! No, okay. Okay, okay. Let's say you were gonna take ann marie on a world cruise. So you bought a whole new wardrobe of cruise wear. You've got the best state room on the whole ship, and you did everything first class all the way. People would say, dalton, you're really going in... Sane! Almost outta time, mr. Green. Yeah, okay. Dalton, ann marie likes to go shopping all the time because she wants to stay in... Debt. The woman spends money like it's goin' outta style. There we go! [ ♪ ] hey! Red green! What a big surprise! You asked me to come here, gord. I know, but I like making a big fuss over my visitors. That way they might stay longer. What do you like having for breakfast? A conversation with my wife. Right. Okay. Message taken. Absolutely. With ranger gord there's no strings attached. You're free to come and go as you please. Oh, please don't go! [ weeping ] okay. Okay. Yeah, please. Let's sit down. What did you want to talk to me about, gord? Yeah, right. About my new career. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Red, when you think about me and my life, what's the biggest mistake you think I've made? Well, there's so many to choose from, gord. No, being an employee. Okay, that's the big one, but no more. I've decided to go freelance. A freelance forest ranger? Oh, sure, sure. Absolutely. Forest fires can spoil almost any social event, weddings, bar mitzvahs, ever been a forest fire at a bar mitzvah? Not yet, but why take the chance? And there's plenty of other opportunities... Strip malls, retirement villages. I mean, come on, red, old people with barbecues? Whoo! Here's my new business card. "ranger gord, freelance forest ranger. "where there's smoke there's gord." I was hoping you could pass that out to everybody. Well, do you have any more of them? I did, but they burned. Yeah, I was hoping you could read the information and then pass it on, kind of like a chain business card. But there's no phone number on here, gord. Yeah, red, I don't have a phone. Okay, uh, you know, you may need to rethink this whole thing. Like, what is your income right now? Oh, gee, do you need an exact amount? No, just ballpark it. Okay, uh... Zero. Uh-huh. Okay. So any additional freelance income that you make is gonna put you in a higher tax bracket. Right. Okay, so I'm getting from you that you think I'm better off if I stay in the tower. Gord, you stay in the tower, everybody's better off. [ applause ] you know, around here we get our drinking water from possum lake. Years ago that never bothered me. But of course, back then you could get a six-pack for only $1.79. So this time on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how you can make your own water. Okay, we're gonna start with rain water coming right off the roof. This is pure, unpolluted water coming straight from heaven. All we gotta do is filter out the leaves and the bird feathers and the moldy chestnuts. And boil her all up, and we're beatin' the system. Okay, first thing you wanna do is take off your downspout. Cut a slot in her, down at the one end. That's your first stage filtration right there. To catch the finer stuff... Pantyhose. Not just for hold-ups anymore. Oh, I got a run. Okay, now you would just run your downpipe just right off the end of the building there, but I put this extension on ours, because there's a wet spot over there and what looks like moose thompson's footprints. I just -- okay, what I'm gonna do now then is just jam this up in here. And that takes care of our filtration unit. Now we need something that will catch the water and then distill it. I wanted something small and portable that had the same engineering sophistication as those high end water purification plants they use in the larger metropolis areas. And I think I've done it. [ chuckles ] oh, yeah, metal container here gonna catch my filtered rain water; barbecue makes it boil; and the wagon makes it portable. Now I just need it to rain. [ thunder crashes ] okay so I'm standing out in front of the lodge waiting for the rain to stop so I can test my drinking water, and this smart guy dropped 50 cents in my tin cup. [ change jingling ] people are so cheap. Okay, let's see what we've got here. [ searing sound ] oh, it's hot. It's like a flavoured tea. Kind of a shingle/pekoe. I'm sure you can get used to it. But the main point is that you're providing something for yourself and your family that you know is completely safe. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome -- (discouraged) they should at least find you handy. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] any of you guys with a full healthy head of hair might want to ignore this part. But for the rest of us, I wanna talk a little bit about bald spots. You can never be fully prepared for a bald spot. They kinda creep up on you. And they come up from behind, so you're usually the last one to even find out. And I believe that a bald spot is some alien life form of some type. It's a lot more sensitive than the rest of your skin. I mean, it sunburns real easy. It's the first thing that feels cold or rain. It's the first thing to sweat if you're in trouble or eating mexican food or both. I think it's because it's a lot younger than the rest of your skin. I mean, everything else is maybe 50 years old, but your bald spot's only been around for the last three. That's why it's so smooth and perky. So instead of thinking of a bald spot as an embarrassing sign of old age and rampant decay. Why don't you think of it as sexy? They say hair loss is from having too much testosterone, so that's a pretty good start. I've already established that it's smooth and real sensitive. So I'm suggesting that a bald spot is the ultimate erogenous zone, a powerful love badge that's only given to the most manly of men. There. Now do you feel better about your bald spot? Me neither. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. When the air at your place gives you the bends; when you've lost all contact with family and friends; I have a truck that pumps as it mends. 'cause this is where the food chain ends. Okay, I'm ready for my close-up, people. Let's go! This is the only tape I could find, harold. That camera's some kind of discontinued, one-off format. "theta-max videotape. "made in portuguese macau." okay, well, all you've gotta do is provide the lights and the camera, and I'll provide the act-shun! Here we go. Red: Okay. And... Camera's on. Action, harold. I said, action, harold. Go! I am going. This pause is part of my video. Not a good idea, harold. You're giving her time to change her mind. [ affected british accent ] oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you come in. Well, I just came in. I was just talking to you. I just came upstairs -- not you! My date! [ affected british accent ] please, please forgive my technical assistant. Non-union. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm harold green. And might I say you look lovely this evening and/or day. That it? Harold: No! Shh! I'm listening to what the young, lovely, fun-loving, non-smoking lady has to say. [ affected british accent ] hm, oh, you want to come closer? Uh, got a bad wheel here, harold. Hang on. Okay, there we go. [ affected accent ] oh, closer? Well! Certainly, come closer. Oh, I don't know, harold. I'm not sure the camera can grab all those teeth. Closer! Closer! Harold, we're getting a lot of light off those molars. We're pinning the needle here. Call me! Call me! Call me! Call 911 ! Red: Needed to put a signpost up behind the lodge. So we agreed to all meet around there. A few extra things in the van. But then the signpost was in there. Dalton, he grabbed he pickaxe. We needed that to kind of dig the hole. And I grabbed the post, and she was snagged on something, so I asked dalton to maybe give me a hand there. Let's horse her outta there. So I'm not sure what it was caught on at that point. Then I realised it was actually caught on walter. And winston was supposed to be -- but he had fallen asleep at the switch, so to speak, so winston's just got a -- it's just a matter of waking him up. You don't get much sleep in the sewage business. So he just clips that on. And then you know the ground around the lodge is very odd. There's hard spots, and there's soft spots, and there's kind of in between kind of clay stuff. So you know, you just kind of take your chances. So winston picked a spot, and he got into it, but he'd get it down to a certain point, but he couldn't get it all the way in, so walter gave him a little hand on that. So I'm thinking, you know what? Let's just try another spot. Maybe there's a softer spot here. Okay, that's a little too hard. Then dalton figures he would try a pickaxe. The trouble with that is you don't know what's down there. And I'm guessing some kind of buried cable. And, yeah. Absolutely right. So then we've gotta get that outta there. I'm telling winston, go back and get the possum van. We'll pull it out with that. So winston noticed the breaker had tripped, so he just -- uh, not the best idea. But he did get the van there, and we hooked that up to the end of the cable. And the idea is we were just gonna pull her right out of the ground that way, using the possum van. So, uh, I went and got in the van there, and just -- I don't like to look back in life. That was unfortunate. So then I thought, if I back up and take a run at it, as I do with most things in my life, I thought perhaps that would work a little better. But what happened there was all I was doing there was actually pulling on the cable instead of -- and it was pulling the hydro pole down into the ground and then up through hole that the cable come up through. And of course the guys were noticing and trying to stop me before we got into any real kind of trouble. Now, I say you can always find a positive side to everything. I'm thinking, wait a second. We don't need to put up a signpost. We've already got the post. Just take the sign off that one, stick her on the hydro pole, and it really serves the purpose which is... "call before you dig." [ ♪ ] we've all seen these motion detector units that turn the lights on when you come home after dark so you can see where your kid left his bike. The problem is they do the same thing for burglars. They turn the lights on when they're sneaking around after dark. So they get to see where your kid left his bike. Then of course, some people overreact by getting bear traps or land mines or some kind of homemade nuclear device. I guess the sensible thing would be to get a guard dog. But then you gotta feed it and take care of it and make sure it knows who you are. Well, I got a better idea. I got one of these high-pitched whistles that can only be heard by dogs and unmarried librarians, and I attached it to an air compressor. Now, instead of just the light coming on, see, every time a burglar goes by, this is gonna kick on the compressor, which will wake up every dog in the tri-county area. Huh? See? You don't need money, as long as you have -- [ dogs barking ] when the grass in the back's growing higher and higher; when the smoke alarm's screaming, but there's nothing on fire; send me an e-mail, a card or a wire. I'm quick and I'm dirty, but I'm always for hire. Well, I didn't have much luck fixing harold's tape for the video tape dating ser -- I think he should just submit it like that. It pretty much represents his personality. Hello, uncle red. I hope those flowers aren't for me, harold. No, they're for my date. I went with a computer dating service instead. Yeah, it's called love is blind. Yeah. Yeah. So you just give a short bio of yourself, and then they match you up with someone with similar interests. I think it's way better. Video doesn't flatter me. No, life doesn't flatter you, harold. So shouldn't you be leaving? No, no, no. They're sending my date here to the lodge. Get this description. Listen to this. "attractive, "self-employed, ambitious, creative..." [ knock at door ] early. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Take it easy. Take it easy. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Don't freak out, harold, okay? Freak out, harold. [ cheers and applause ] winston? Harold? I don't understand. That computer was supposed to set me up with my perfect match. [ together ] "my ideal date... "nice dinner, "a good movie, "and a little stimulating conversation." well, you guys better get going, if you're hoping to catch the early movie. You are so buying the popcorn. [ possum squealing ] meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, thanks, harold. You go have fun, eh? So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And harold is right. Love is blind. By the time he gets finished with it, it will have lost all its faculties. Speaking of which I don't think I've ever felt so wide awake. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, everybody. Sit down, everyone. Have a seat there. That's the way. All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. That was kind of a short date. Yeah, winston had to leave for an emergency call. So he left you for a younger load. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com